Asia! As a fellow HSP (and Lyme survivor!) who is trying for montherhood, I feel your words articulate the precise fears I have an about parenting in this disconnected, isolating culture.
Question: if you could design a life to best hold and support a sensitive mom, partner and incoming baby, what components would you advise one to create? Skys the limit - what’s your dream list of support systems / lifestyle set up / work situation / location / etc. if you could have it all? Would love to try to set myself up for as much of a village experience as possible ahead of time and learn from you. Thank you!! :)
Wow, well in my ideal world I'd probably be living on land in community with other mothers, a diversity of children of all ages, and plenty of aunties and uncles who don't have kids but love to be around them! The dream! But I also recognize that this is a dream. Most of us won't have this, and so trying for it might just feel like another thing we're failing... If I could go back and download anything to myself before my daughter was born I'd say:
1. Set up a network of people who you trust to take care of you, and your daughter. Make specific requests of time/kind of help. Schedule it. And don't be afraid to keep asking.
2. Don't expect much from yourself. For the first year, and even after. If you get two hours of work done a day, that's a really good day. Adjust your expectations and organize your life accordingly.
3. Practice letting go. Again and again. The more you can be gentle on yourself, and accept your limits, the more everyone in the family will thrive.
4. You will feel guilty taking time for yourself. For spending a night away or using a day off to do something just for you. But keep doing it anyways. Because the more you tend to your own needs, the better mother you will become. It is that simple.
I'd love to hear anyone else's thoughts who wants to chime in!
I want to chime in here, as a mother to a 15 year old, 11 year old, 9 year old and 1 year old. Wow. Just writing all that down feels like I've done enough today ;). It's true that it is the dream to live on land with mothers, families, aunties, uncles, elders, teens. And it's also true that there's heartbreak in the gap that most of us live in; the gap between the dream and the reality. So, I love these "downloads" Asia. Here are mine:
1. Learn to dissolve the belief that we are independent beings who don't need each other. Remember that we are interdependent. When you ask for help from others, it isn't a burden; it's a gift. As Asia says, Keep asking. Over and over again.
2. Have compassion for the parts of you that are used to feeling like you have it together, that you know what to do, that you've "got it" (whatever it is), or any other perfectionistic parts that must die and become fertile compost for your new life as a parent.
3. I saw this on a sign in a kitchen of an aquaintance I was visiting years ago and loved it, "Clean enough to be healthy. Messy enough to be happy." I have taken this on as a mantra, and although I tend towards a compulsion to clean (especially when stressed and feeling out of control), I more and more lean into this way of thinking and being.
4. Give yourself space to create. Let there be mess. Model creative living to your children. Make art from your life.
5. Find connection with and ask for support from the more than human world. While we are the nervous systems holding our children, the Earth under our feet, the sky over our heads, and all the creatures of this beautiful planet are also holding us. This includes our ancestors, spirit guides, and seen and unseen allies. We must tap into the larger systems that are holding us if we are to be nourished in our lives as mothers. Whether through creativity, song, writing, walks in nature, whatever it is for you, find a daily practice of connection.
After struggling for months of trying to parent, work full time, keep up the house and cook the meals, I feel this to my absolute core. And I really needed the reminder that I am enough. So, thank you, truly!
Asya your family trip sounds like heaven! Very much resonate with this feeling of your nervous system not being made for this - I have a 9 mo old and have had long covid for 2,5 years now. I'm bessed with a supportive partner but damn, this stuff is really hard!
Michaeleen Doucleff unpacks this really well in the last chapter of Hunt, Gather, Parent. It’s great to be reminded then we don’t have to live in the way that our cultures dictate.
So resonate with this! Was just chatting in a mom’s group about this! Not having a village of support is not normal and we are building a homeschooling community now to hopefully nurture a little village in this modern world.
Thank you for sharing your writing, it is always inspiring and so glad you had a rejuvenating trip 💚
A deep shower of blessings on your homeschooling community. May it hold you all in ways we all so deeply need. We may not be in the village, but we can turn towards it and start walking. Love to you Amber 💚
Amazing. It’s like you’re telling the story of my life. The struggle for breathing room and having space to be in my inner world was so intense parenting during the pandemic. The family we moved close to couldn’t be around us and we were on our own with little kids. Just now recovering. 💛
I completely concur; and love how you say our nervous systems weren’t built for this isolated style of parenting. I have been feeling and talking about this with fellow mums a lot: Thank you for writing this so beautifully and helping to remind us it’s not our fault if we struggle without the village… we need it, it’s not our fault. Thank you! 🙏 ❤️
Ohhhhh, Asia - just when you think you are terminally unique and unqualified - message from the beyond in the form of a gorgeous, human blog.
I'm a step-parent to twin 9.5 year olds, and I'm continually baffled by how little else seems possible than being in orbit with them. Parenting in THIS version of reality - I'm confused and disoriented every single day. Every generation, I suspect, bemoans the changes brought on by their offsprings generation. Though this time on earth feels so f*&king strange. To locate oneself and to be well within the paradigm of social media, expectations of constant growth and productivity and profitability, let alone to shepherd our children through the maze of mirrors and screens and illusion of it all, feels like a daily job.
Every single day, I wonder if I am just "not cut out" for this. Often, when I think that, I remember that we are being called to do this thing in impossible circumstances. This is what you are naming here. It doesn't make me feel better necessarily, knowing my reality cannot just morph to deliver my family into the coherence that village living would provide with the snap of my fingers I so wish would do the damn trick. But there is something in just that recall - I am not crazy. The demand that I function well in an insanely structured society - is crazy.
Every time I read your reflections, I see myself in a web of other beings who are also mystified, tired, chronically sick, depleted, unsure - and at the same time, or by way of such truths of our lives at this time on earth - making such beauty out of the mystery. I am buoyed. Thank you 🙏
This piece really touched a vulnerable spot for me, in a hard but good way. And then I had another terrible night of sleep with my 5-month old son. And this morning while I was holding him for his first nap (he only sleeps being held 🙃) I journaled this:
What if things are perfect. Being estranged from my parents is perfect. It is my highest timeline. Being alone as a mother is perfect. This is what my soul wanted to learn. This endless surrender, minute by minute, day by day, night after night. Learning to amplify the smiles and laughter. Learning to let go of the exhaustion and isolation.
I have different strength now. Fortitude. Squatting slowly and controlled into a glider so I don’t wake him. Strength to say no, this is not for me: your negative energy mom, your insane gaslighting expectations American society…
That doesn’t mean that there isn’t a better higher world we can imagine but it is not here right now. From all this stress and many shed tears are seeds of something I don’t even fully comprehend yet. But it is perfect.
I love this Elizabeth. This question of what if this is exactly the path your soul called forth. It must be, I suppose, or else you wouldn't be living it. This type of isolated mothering does create a fortitude in body and spirit; just as it also breaks down so much. It doesn't allow any space for BS (in ourselves or in others).
My only words of soothing (not that you were looking for them) is that we are all connected in that we're having such similar experiences independently and get also together. Something about this comforts me, especially in the middle of the night when I'm lying awake while the rest of my house and neighbors sleep.
I certainly don't have any answers, but I do have hope that we're learning something that is growing us in exactly the ways our souls most need. Sending you big love.
I wonder how we got here? We so could have set up our society where that villaging is the norm! I ache for it, I wish and pray and yearn from it. It hit hard when you said that this is the life our nervous systems are designed for. How nourishing would it be if that’s the way we got to live everyday
Thank you for this. Deeply resonates. Recently discovered aspects of neurodivergence that affect my sensory processing (I thought it was only HSP but turns out there’s more to it ). My family works to be so intention in how we design our live and yet without the village being on sight, it’s overwhelming. Period.
Asia! As a fellow HSP (and Lyme survivor!) who is trying for montherhood, I feel your words articulate the precise fears I have an about parenting in this disconnected, isolating culture.
Question: if you could design a life to best hold and support a sensitive mom, partner and incoming baby, what components would you advise one to create? Skys the limit - what’s your dream list of support systems / lifestyle set up / work situation / location / etc. if you could have it all? Would love to try to set myself up for as much of a village experience as possible ahead of time and learn from you. Thank you!! :)
Wow, well in my ideal world I'd probably be living on land in community with other mothers, a diversity of children of all ages, and plenty of aunties and uncles who don't have kids but love to be around them! The dream! But I also recognize that this is a dream. Most of us won't have this, and so trying for it might just feel like another thing we're failing... If I could go back and download anything to myself before my daughter was born I'd say:
1. Set up a network of people who you trust to take care of you, and your daughter. Make specific requests of time/kind of help. Schedule it. And don't be afraid to keep asking.
2. Don't expect much from yourself. For the first year, and even after. If you get two hours of work done a day, that's a really good day. Adjust your expectations and organize your life accordingly.
3. Practice letting go. Again and again. The more you can be gentle on yourself, and accept your limits, the more everyone in the family will thrive.
4. You will feel guilty taking time for yourself. For spending a night away or using a day off to do something just for you. But keep doing it anyways. Because the more you tend to your own needs, the better mother you will become. It is that simple.
I'd love to hear anyone else's thoughts who wants to chime in!
I want to chime in here, as a mother to a 15 year old, 11 year old, 9 year old and 1 year old. Wow. Just writing all that down feels like I've done enough today ;). It's true that it is the dream to live on land with mothers, families, aunties, uncles, elders, teens. And it's also true that there's heartbreak in the gap that most of us live in; the gap between the dream and the reality. So, I love these "downloads" Asia. Here are mine:
1. Learn to dissolve the belief that we are independent beings who don't need each other. Remember that we are interdependent. When you ask for help from others, it isn't a burden; it's a gift. As Asia says, Keep asking. Over and over again.
2. Have compassion for the parts of you that are used to feeling like you have it together, that you know what to do, that you've "got it" (whatever it is), or any other perfectionistic parts that must die and become fertile compost for your new life as a parent.
3. I saw this on a sign in a kitchen of an aquaintance I was visiting years ago and loved it, "Clean enough to be healthy. Messy enough to be happy." I have taken this on as a mantra, and although I tend towards a compulsion to clean (especially when stressed and feeling out of control), I more and more lean into this way of thinking and being.
4. Give yourself space to create. Let there be mess. Model creative living to your children. Make art from your life.
5. Find connection with and ask for support from the more than human world. While we are the nervous systems holding our children, the Earth under our feet, the sky over our heads, and all the creatures of this beautiful planet are also holding us. This includes our ancestors, spirit guides, and seen and unseen allies. We must tap into the larger systems that are holding us if we are to be nourished in our lives as mothers. Whether through creativity, song, writing, walks in nature, whatever it is for you, find a daily practice of connection.
I love that last one one I want to lean into so much more xx
So lovely and helpful. Thank you so much Asia. Holding this wisdom close to my heart. XO
After struggling for months of trying to parent, work full time, keep up the house and cook the meals, I feel this to my absolute core. And I really needed the reminder that I am enough. So, thank you, truly!
With you in this Kristina ❤️ We are not alone
I am tearing up reading this; lump in my throat. I feel every word.
❤️❤️❤️
Asya your family trip sounds like heaven! Very much resonate with this feeling of your nervous system not being made for this - I have a 9 mo old and have had long covid for 2,5 years now. I'm bessed with a supportive partner but damn, this stuff is really hard!
Michaeleen Doucleff unpacks this really well in the last chapter of Hunt, Gather, Parent. It’s great to be reminded then we don’t have to live in the way that our cultures dictate.
So resonate with this! Was just chatting in a mom’s group about this! Not having a village of support is not normal and we are building a homeschooling community now to hopefully nurture a little village in this modern world.
Thank you for sharing your writing, it is always inspiring and so glad you had a rejuvenating trip 💚
A deep shower of blessings on your homeschooling community. May it hold you all in ways we all so deeply need. We may not be in the village, but we can turn towards it and start walking. Love to you Amber 💚
Amazing. It’s like you’re telling the story of my life. The struggle for breathing room and having space to be in my inner world was so intense parenting during the pandemic. The family we moved close to couldn’t be around us and we were on our own with little kids. Just now recovering. 💛
Thanks for writing this! It’s excellent.
I completely concur; and love how you say our nervous systems weren’t built for this isolated style of parenting. I have been feeling and talking about this with fellow mums a lot: Thank you for writing this so beautifully and helping to remind us it’s not our fault if we struggle without the village… we need it, it’s not our fault. Thank you! 🙏 ❤️
We need it, it's not our fault. Thank you for this Natasha. I'm walking towards the village with you, even if it's still at the horizon line. ❤️
"Parents making a home out of an uninhabitable culture. Parents creating and sustaining life in a world that has forgotten how to cherish life."
Ooooooh, all of this hits close to home. Thank you for yet another read that's making many of us feel seen.
Yesss so much this.
Ohhhhh, Asia - just when you think you are terminally unique and unqualified - message from the beyond in the form of a gorgeous, human blog.
I'm a step-parent to twin 9.5 year olds, and I'm continually baffled by how little else seems possible than being in orbit with them. Parenting in THIS version of reality - I'm confused and disoriented every single day. Every generation, I suspect, bemoans the changes brought on by their offsprings generation. Though this time on earth feels so f*&king strange. To locate oneself and to be well within the paradigm of social media, expectations of constant growth and productivity and profitability, let alone to shepherd our children through the maze of mirrors and screens and illusion of it all, feels like a daily job.
Every single day, I wonder if I am just "not cut out" for this. Often, when I think that, I remember that we are being called to do this thing in impossible circumstances. This is what you are naming here. It doesn't make me feel better necessarily, knowing my reality cannot just morph to deliver my family into the coherence that village living would provide with the snap of my fingers I so wish would do the damn trick. But there is something in just that recall - I am not crazy. The demand that I function well in an insanely structured society - is crazy.
Every time I read your reflections, I see myself in a web of other beings who are also mystified, tired, chronically sick, depleted, unsure - and at the same time, or by way of such truths of our lives at this time on earth - making such beauty out of the mystery. I am buoyed. Thank you 🙏
This piece really touched a vulnerable spot for me, in a hard but good way. And then I had another terrible night of sleep with my 5-month old son. And this morning while I was holding him for his first nap (he only sleeps being held 🙃) I journaled this:
What if things are perfect. Being estranged from my parents is perfect. It is my highest timeline. Being alone as a mother is perfect. This is what my soul wanted to learn. This endless surrender, minute by minute, day by day, night after night. Learning to amplify the smiles and laughter. Learning to let go of the exhaustion and isolation.
I have different strength now. Fortitude. Squatting slowly and controlled into a glider so I don’t wake him. Strength to say no, this is not for me: your negative energy mom, your insane gaslighting expectations American society…
That doesn’t mean that there isn’t a better higher world we can imagine but it is not here right now. From all this stress and many shed tears are seeds of something I don’t even fully comprehend yet. But it is perfect.
I love this Elizabeth. This question of what if this is exactly the path your soul called forth. It must be, I suppose, or else you wouldn't be living it. This type of isolated mothering does create a fortitude in body and spirit; just as it also breaks down so much. It doesn't allow any space for BS (in ourselves or in others).
My only words of soothing (not that you were looking for them) is that we are all connected in that we're having such similar experiences independently and get also together. Something about this comforts me, especially in the middle of the night when I'm lying awake while the rest of my house and neighbors sleep.
I certainly don't have any answers, but I do have hope that we're learning something that is growing us in exactly the ways our souls most need. Sending you big love.
Thank you for sharing your real and raw experiences along your motherhood journey.
I wonder how we got here? We so could have set up our society where that villaging is the norm! I ache for it, I wish and pray and yearn from it. It hit hard when you said that this is the life our nervous systems are designed for. How nourishing would it be if that’s the way we got to live everyday
Thank you for this. Deeply resonates. Recently discovered aspects of neurodivergence that affect my sensory processing (I thought it was only HSP but turns out there’s more to it ). My family works to be so intention in how we design our live and yet without the village being on sight, it’s overwhelming. Period.