I *just* had to ask my partner for help after bouncing with my 10 week old son for 1.5 hours with no sleep coming. I struggle with this daily and this was such a welcome message today.
I keep wondering how much am I supposed to shoulder before asking for help?…Will someone notice that I’m struggling with the enormous amount of energy that raising a human requires and they might offer to help me? I am on maternity leave and my partner is still working so am I expected to take on more with our son? And on my breaks should I be doing chores? Why have I opted into this isolation? Why have we all agreed to make raising kids so lonely and disconnected?
Ultimately I asked for the help today. I hope I can keep doing it. Thank you for your post! I will not be the orangutan mother.
I feel you so much Elizabeth. I know the extreme rigors of the bouncing with no end in sight, it is beyond brutal. I wish I could take over for an hour so you could go lay down and rest your body. Or come over and fold your laundry and make you all a meal while you both nap. I don't think people can understand, unless they are in it, just how viscerally intense this period of caretaking is. It takes everything. In comparison, going to work sounds like a vacation. I'm glad you asked for help. You deserve help. You are literally in the midst of the one of the hardest trials a human being can endure (there's a reason why they use sleep deprivation and a soundtrack of a baby crying to train elite marines). It reminds me of something I once heard Sandra Ingerman say, "If you thought you would live through it, it wouldn't be an initiation." Sometimes I felt like I wouldn't live through those early days. But you will, you will, you will. And you deserve support for every step of this journey.
Oh dear! I know how you feel! Our partners will never understand what it is like to be a mother, for better or worse. So please do ask for help, find your village if you can. Motherhood doesn't need to be lonely 🧡
It’s crazy the kind of society that has evolved to be so isolating and difficult for the ones responsible for keeping the population going!
I too have had so many nights, early mornings, afternoons of doing it on my own while my partner sleeps or has a hobby. I’ve soldiered on without asking for help, feeling the this compulsion to do it on my own, to prove I can do it on my own.
I am slowly learning to let go of this fear of not being a good capable mother, and to expect more from those around me.
I literally laughed out loud when I read the word "hobby." Oh man, to have time for hobbies again... I so deeply feel you Tansie. And I'm with you in slowly letting go of that fear...
Whooooa my hubs and I were talking about this in therapy yesterday! He works and I stay home and so I’ve been expected to take all of it at night. The years of interrupted sleep launched me into perimenopause. I felt guilty asking for help, and I was denied help on multiple occasions where I DID ask. And asking took an enormous effort. My argument is that he can shut his clients off at night. He can get a good sleep and go to work while I don’t sleep and still go to work. My son got up at 4:30 today with a fever and we never got back to sleep. So I naturally rescheduled all my clients for the day so dad could work. One day I will have that “commune” of mothers I dream of, even if my kids are grown by then, at least I’ll be able to offer someone else a hand
Oh Cara, I so feel you. It’s extremely hard to explain to anyone who isn’t living it just how profoundly, life-alteringly hard being a primary parent is. It’s a job that literally never ends. And when we do work up the courage to ask for help, and aren’t met, it can be crushing. I think what people need to understand is that we ask for help not because we’re inconvenienced, but because in that moment we’re convinced we literally can’t go on. I see you dear one. And I’m dreaming of that commune too.
I struggle so much with the anger towards those that said they’d be there. The grandparents with means that don’t do shit. Especially the grandparents. The ones that act like “we did this already, I ain’t doin it again.” The childless friends who never ask to take the little one off my hands. The non existent extended family. The ones who understand are the other struggling mothers and yet they are the ones least able to offer the help. My kid is 4 now and I’ve become better at asking for the help and for receiving it without guilt. But now the anger lingers. God help me become an elder with empty and eager arms, willing to love on a new generation and offer a balm to the mothers that come after me.
I don’t think I’ve ever been so angry as I have been since becoming a mom. It’s a fire that feels like it’s cleaning me some days. Cleaning me of programs of people pleasing. Cleaning me of the completely bunk expectations of this society. Cleaning me of caring for others over my own self. I remember reading once that anger says “my boundaries have been violated.” And it makes sense. I feel this way often, living in a culture that does so little to support those who hold so much.
Solidarity, mama. Being a mom is so much work, help is the *only* way we were ever meant to do it (and the only thing that makes it easier). We always take the brunt of it but I love this sentiment. We didn’t create these babies alone!
As a birth worker and hopefully mother (one day) I so appreciate this juxtaposition between humans and orangutans. I can't help but think orangutans also don't have to go to a daily job away from their infants. Nursing for up to eight years seems so intimate, not to mention the knowing that in human babies those first years up to seven develops so much of who and how we are as people. Thank you for this beautiful story telling.
I *just* had to ask my partner for help after bouncing with my 10 week old son for 1.5 hours with no sleep coming. I struggle with this daily and this was such a welcome message today.
I keep wondering how much am I supposed to shoulder before asking for help?…Will someone notice that I’m struggling with the enormous amount of energy that raising a human requires and they might offer to help me? I am on maternity leave and my partner is still working so am I expected to take on more with our son? And on my breaks should I be doing chores? Why have I opted into this isolation? Why have we all agreed to make raising kids so lonely and disconnected?
Ultimately I asked for the help today. I hope I can keep doing it. Thank you for your post! I will not be the orangutan mother.
I feel you so much Elizabeth. I know the extreme rigors of the bouncing with no end in sight, it is beyond brutal. I wish I could take over for an hour so you could go lay down and rest your body. Or come over and fold your laundry and make you all a meal while you both nap. I don't think people can understand, unless they are in it, just how viscerally intense this period of caretaking is. It takes everything. In comparison, going to work sounds like a vacation. I'm glad you asked for help. You deserve help. You are literally in the midst of the one of the hardest trials a human being can endure (there's a reason why they use sleep deprivation and a soundtrack of a baby crying to train elite marines). It reminds me of something I once heard Sandra Ingerman say, "If you thought you would live through it, it wouldn't be an initiation." Sometimes I felt like I wouldn't live through those early days. But you will, you will, you will. And you deserve support for every step of this journey.
Oh dear! I know how you feel! Our partners will never understand what it is like to be a mother, for better or worse. So please do ask for help, find your village if you can. Motherhood doesn't need to be lonely 🧡
Orangutans don't have to go to work. Mothering is their job. Yet human mothers are expected to do it all and have a side hustle 😄
It's pretty wild isn't it? Wild and exhausting
It’s crazy the kind of society that has evolved to be so isolating and difficult for the ones responsible for keeping the population going!
I too have had so many nights, early mornings, afternoons of doing it on my own while my partner sleeps or has a hobby. I’ve soldiered on without asking for help, feeling the this compulsion to do it on my own, to prove I can do it on my own.
I am slowly learning to let go of this fear of not being a good capable mother, and to expect more from those around me.
I literally laughed out loud when I read the word "hobby." Oh man, to have time for hobbies again... I so deeply feel you Tansie. And I'm with you in slowly letting go of that fear...
Whooooa my hubs and I were talking about this in therapy yesterday! He works and I stay home and so I’ve been expected to take all of it at night. The years of interrupted sleep launched me into perimenopause. I felt guilty asking for help, and I was denied help on multiple occasions where I DID ask. And asking took an enormous effort. My argument is that he can shut his clients off at night. He can get a good sleep and go to work while I don’t sleep and still go to work. My son got up at 4:30 today with a fever and we never got back to sleep. So I naturally rescheduled all my clients for the day so dad could work. One day I will have that “commune” of mothers I dream of, even if my kids are grown by then, at least I’ll be able to offer someone else a hand
Oh Cara, I so feel you. It’s extremely hard to explain to anyone who isn’t living it just how profoundly, life-alteringly hard being a primary parent is. It’s a job that literally never ends. And when we do work up the courage to ask for help, and aren’t met, it can be crushing. I think what people need to understand is that we ask for help not because we’re inconvenienced, but because in that moment we’re convinced we literally can’t go on. I see you dear one. And I’m dreaming of that commune too.
I struggle so much with the anger towards those that said they’d be there. The grandparents with means that don’t do shit. Especially the grandparents. The ones that act like “we did this already, I ain’t doin it again.” The childless friends who never ask to take the little one off my hands. The non existent extended family. The ones who understand are the other struggling mothers and yet they are the ones least able to offer the help. My kid is 4 now and I’ve become better at asking for the help and for receiving it without guilt. But now the anger lingers. God help me become an elder with empty and eager arms, willing to love on a new generation and offer a balm to the mothers that come after me.
I don’t think I’ve ever been so angry as I have been since becoming a mom. It’s a fire that feels like it’s cleaning me some days. Cleaning me of programs of people pleasing. Cleaning me of the completely bunk expectations of this society. Cleaning me of caring for others over my own self. I remember reading once that anger says “my boundaries have been violated.” And it makes sense. I feel this way often, living in a culture that does so little to support those who hold so much.
I feel that anger. I’ve already told my daughters that I will not let them struggle the way I have.
❤️
Asking for help—feeling entitled to it, even—is a skill I’m working on.
Entitled to it. YES.
Thank you for speaking to my heart ❤️
Solidarity, mama. Being a mom is so much work, help is the *only* way we were ever meant to do it (and the only thing that makes it easier). We always take the brunt of it but I love this sentiment. We didn’t create these babies alone!
I feel this one so deeply and it’s beautiful to be reminded. Thank you xxx
As a birth worker and hopefully mother (one day) I so appreciate this juxtaposition between humans and orangutans. I can't help but think orangutans also don't have to go to a daily job away from their infants. Nursing for up to eight years seems so intimate, not to mention the knowing that in human babies those first years up to seven develops so much of who and how we are as people. Thank you for this beautiful story telling.