Ahhh Asia… as always you speak to my mother heart… the way your little one was for the first 6 months is exactly the same as my second… which was a shock because her big sister was a very ‘straightforward’ sleeper and slept through at 6 months by herself!! We did nothing different and yet still at 18 months V doesn’t nap anywhere other than in movement, and it takes me probably at least an hour each evening for her to fall asleep before I can creep out. She needs so much support to sleep and when we worked with a sleep coach she said some babies really hate the transition between wakefulness and sleep and they get so upset. I would be rocking her for hours as she screamed and thought those moments would never end. But as we know these phases pass. I think there is so much pressure to meet sleep schedules and focus on wake times and I drive myself insane trying to ‘fix’ things until one day I just threw my hands up and surrendered into it… not saying that’s easy and the sleeplessness has been wild and debilitating at times. She doesn’t need as much sleep in the day, she is unique and she has taught me so much about honouring each of my daughters individually. She has also taught me so much about listening to them and not ‘experts’ because she simply doesn’t fit any kind of ‘mould’ and despite wanting someone to tell me what is best for her, I’ve had to listen HARD to myself. So many lessons!!!! Sending you hugs as you move through the phases and so grateful for you sharing your words as always. Xxx
Oh Lauren, I feel you so deeply. The pressure to meet these expectations, the insanity the results of trying to "fix" what seems like it's broken, the debilitating wildness of it all. When I finally get to the wisdom of surrender I also have to remind myself that my daughter is simply different. That it's ok to not fit a mould, and that to be unique is extraordinary (albeit exhausting). So often when I'm on hour three of attempting a bedtime, I feel like I can't go on. And then I get these glimpses of her in the future...and they are magnificent. Time will tell, but sometimes I think these sensitive, spirited babies come in with so much life force because they are here for such big important things. And all the nurturing, all the listening, all the surrendering we're doing right now will be the earth from which these gifted children will one day flourish. Sending you love, at bedtime and all times.
Thank you for just sharing similarity… because most of those around me are horrified when I say how long it takes sometimes for her to fall asleep and each time I question if I need to get someone else’s opinion… but hearing your experience makes me feel less alone… I just find it hard sometimes to surrender at the end of a long day when all I want is to just have a little time to myself before the night time dance begins!!!!! They sure are spirited! Xx
This is beautiful… everything here is exactly why I write and share. There is another way, a way that goes back to the way our ancestors slept. Polyphasic sleep… honoring the seasons. We don’t stop napping with our babies just because they aren’t newborns. We follow the seasons, we follow the sun, we rearrange our lives so we are no longer trying to bind our babies to the linear clock on the wall.
Asia, all your heart strings and thoughts always find me at the right time with great resonance. Thank you so much for your words, always.
My daughter turns a year old next week, and sleep has been rocky since she turned about four months old. It's hard to find the helpers in this area of life, because like you, I've had these same thoughts about how we've evolved and how we're designed to actually live, and how that is so far from our current culture and reality.
We also said good-bye to a sleep schedule, because it didn't work for us. It was too draining on us as a family. In fact, I was so grateful when you wrote about the Spirited Child awhile ago, because I looked into it, and as soon as I saw "alert, intense, and struggles to sleep," I chuckled to myself. This is my daughter.
I found Greer Kirschenbaum, a neuroscientist who wrote a book called The Nurture Revolution, and she is a sweet, kind, calming balm in a world of baby advice that is too rigid for my daughter.
Some nights are truly rough for us. Hourly wake ups. A baby that will not fall asleep no matter what seemed to work before. And I can get so frustrated and disheartened when it feels like we've spent our entire night trying to get our daughter to sleep. But there are nights when it is easy. And there are nights when she only wakes up twice to nurse. And those glimpses fill my heart with hope that someday this will pass. That the ease will begin to outweigh the mental cobwebs of sleep deprivation.
Thank you for sharing this lovely book and resource, I will definitely look into her! I am sending you so much love, from the rough chops of these waters, over the waves, to yours. We will get through this.
I wanted to comment sooner to thank you for your raw honesty in sharing how hard sleep was for you and your daughter. I’m only 13 weeks into my journey and while I feel blessed that my son doesn’t have colic, he fights sleep constantly. He is sensitive, energetic, smart, and such a bright light of a soul. And he has very specific sleep needs. I’ve had countless moments where I feel like an utter failure and moments where friends and colleagues just don’t get it and pass judgment on me.
I was planning to return to work after three months, I should have returned last week, but I had to tell my managers that I couldn’t do it. My baby needed me and I only get to do this once.
The expectations of the internet, families who didn’t breastfeed, women from older generations who were denied support and information about biological sleep weigh on me, especially as an empath.
Thank you for your honesty it helps correct the false image of infant sleep we measure ourselves against.
I am so glad you are here Elizabeth, and honoring you deeply for being able to follow your own inner knowing in claiming more time with your son. That ability to trust the inner impulse is so huge for us empaths!!! Just by choosing to trust, you are giving your son such a huge, incredible gift. Sending great love your way. You are navigating these waters with brilliance.
So much beauty and wisdom within this Asia, thank you. My daughter sounds exactly like yours, as a small baby she was extremely wakeful, often distressed and never slept without contact and/or movement (cue a lot of walks in the sling!). It was exhausting but also all I knew. I remember friends saying ‘surely you need a break’ and I just thought that I would rather be with her and get a longer sleep than spending forever trying to ‘put her down’ and her waking up 5 minutes later. I have realised that neither of my children are ‘bad sleepers’ exactly, they just need a lot of reassurance and don’t like to be alone, they sleep fine with me…!In terms of late bedtimes, I believe the early night is a relatively recent, western construct and not the case in many cultures. Thankfully mine do tend to go to bed early ish these days but they also wake very early…! I have always felt that ‘doing what works’ and trusting in it as what our children need is the only way, things inevitably shift just like the seasons xx
It feels so heart-holding to know I'm not alone in raising spirited children like this, Lyndsay. Thank you and bless you for sharing. Also, I loved this idea of early bedtimes being a western construct. This really struck a cord with me. I know there are plenty of cultures in the world where people are regularly up to midnight...babies and all! I hear of these places and I think: there must be as many diverse ways of raising babies are there are diverse ways of being human in this world...and absolutely all of it is right.
Absolutely. What is culturally acceptable in our society is usually what is convenient but often not what is biologically normal. But babies are not here to be convenient! Usually the opposite in my experience. Here with you, thank you for writing your truth xx
My heart says trust but my head wants to control! Lol. Nothing like dealing with your child’s sleep to trigger every bone in your body. This too shall pass!
As mothers we are given such strange and unrealistic expectations around sleep. I too have heard frequently how babies and toddlers "should" sleep through the night (and that this is in large part due to having a successful schedule). As an infant my daughter slept for very long stretches (something many assumed I enjoyed but my worries about her weight prevented that), but as she grew older she's had a series of regressions that involved either split nights, frequent wakings, or, even now, still waking early in the morning before going back to sleep. No amount of schedule, baths, other routines has changed this. It always seemed to improve on its own, with us changing nothing.
I think of most development works like a machine starting up -- it reminds me of turning on our extra long garden hose. The water fills in the kinks in stages, water spurts out unevenly and stops and starts as things get settled. Then eventually the hose is full of water and it's behaving in a predictable way. As children grow and gain new skills it's like their bodies are those empty hoses -- the kinks work themselves out, things behave a bit unpredictably, like any machine starting up for the first time. And because everyone is different (like a differently shaped hose, I suppose, to continue the analogy) that is not going to be the same for one child to the next. My hunch is that most don't reach that water-flowing-out-of-the-hose phase with sleep until they're closer to 3.
That's the advice I give myself when it is difficult, as it really can be, sometimes.
Such a good point Jessica-- that so much of our sleep expectations come from our expectations around what a "successful schedule" looks like (aka. work schedule, school schedule etc.) And I loved this metaphor of the long garden hose. The sputtering leads to the flow. I feel that deeply.
Reading this at 3am as I’m up breastfeeding my newborn and it is everything I needed to hear tonight. Trusting our little ones to know what they need when there is so much noise and rigidity out there to sift through, feels almost counter culture. Which is wild. So thank you for this reminder that it’s actually okay to do just that. It’s always such a balm for me to think about the ancestral element too. Sometimes I think my ancestors must be watching me track wake windows and chuckling to themselves.
Oh Kelsey I feel you so much. I tracked wake windows obsessively for the first couple months of my daughters life (a byproduct of having an "hard" sleeper, no doubt) Even though I was never really sure it was actually helping, it still gave me a sense of control that I was so desperately lacking. So even when my partner looked at me side-eyed as grabbed my phone to track her sleep time again, I knew I'd simply do it for as long as *I* needed. And I did.
I'm thinking of you out in the deep blue night. Wishing I could bring you a cup of water during your next 3 am wake up or just sit beside you for a while. You are doing so much, and all of it is so so important.
I don’t have kids and I don’t plan on having any, but this is one of my favorite newsletters. You explain your experience, both the joys and hardships with utter depth and beauty. The way you weave seeking help from experts, pressure of what society dictates is right through questioning it all and finally trusting your inner rhythms, in motherhood no less, is ugh, the only word that comes to mind is beautiful. It’s poetic and human, I feel so inspired each time I read your newsletters in approaching aspects of my life with the same openness and curiosity. Thank you for sharing your experience through your writing.
Thank you so much marietha. This means so much. To be seen as both poetic and human... there is no greater gift. Bless you. And thank you for being here.
I'm sure a lot of moms can relate to your experience, Asia. My son still doesn't sleep through the night at almost 3 years old (even though I know he can, because he does when he is with his grandmother) He was always a bad sleeper - a very alert child. I gave up on trying to control his sleep patterns long ago, purely because he is a very determined little boy and it is never worth it getting into a sleep battle with him😁 Funnily enough, after having my daughter I released that it was just his settings. She is a calm little girl, and wakes up less during the night than my son, even though he is almost 2 years older than her.
I came across an article about orchid children and dandelion children, and it explained a lot. Your daughter might just be a very sensitive soul, just like you.
I am wishing you lots of space to rest and recover. Please trust that it will get better 🧡🧡🧡
I've heard this same sentiment from so many other mamas Polina! They have another child and just realize that their child is who are they, there is nothing to fix, just more to understand and hold compassion for (especially within ourselves). It always soothes me when I hear this from seasoned mothers. What if I'm not actually doing anything wrong?? I'm absolutely going to check out the orchid vs dandelion children article!! I have a feeling we have more than one orchid in this house... *glances over at sad, non-thriving orchids on the kitchen windowsill*
Sending my love to you and your daughter. I highly recommend the Raised Good blog (or their instagram) by Tracy Gillett. It is a sacred resource for conscious parents. It is an intention step away from sleep training with an understanding that parenting doesn't stop at night.
Ahhh Asia… as always you speak to my mother heart… the way your little one was for the first 6 months is exactly the same as my second… which was a shock because her big sister was a very ‘straightforward’ sleeper and slept through at 6 months by herself!! We did nothing different and yet still at 18 months V doesn’t nap anywhere other than in movement, and it takes me probably at least an hour each evening for her to fall asleep before I can creep out. She needs so much support to sleep and when we worked with a sleep coach she said some babies really hate the transition between wakefulness and sleep and they get so upset. I would be rocking her for hours as she screamed and thought those moments would never end. But as we know these phases pass. I think there is so much pressure to meet sleep schedules and focus on wake times and I drive myself insane trying to ‘fix’ things until one day I just threw my hands up and surrendered into it… not saying that’s easy and the sleeplessness has been wild and debilitating at times. She doesn’t need as much sleep in the day, she is unique and she has taught me so much about honouring each of my daughters individually. She has also taught me so much about listening to them and not ‘experts’ because she simply doesn’t fit any kind of ‘mould’ and despite wanting someone to tell me what is best for her, I’ve had to listen HARD to myself. So many lessons!!!! Sending you hugs as you move through the phases and so grateful for you sharing your words as always. Xxx
Oh Lauren, I feel you so deeply. The pressure to meet these expectations, the insanity the results of trying to "fix" what seems like it's broken, the debilitating wildness of it all. When I finally get to the wisdom of surrender I also have to remind myself that my daughter is simply different. That it's ok to not fit a mould, and that to be unique is extraordinary (albeit exhausting). So often when I'm on hour three of attempting a bedtime, I feel like I can't go on. And then I get these glimpses of her in the future...and they are magnificent. Time will tell, but sometimes I think these sensitive, spirited babies come in with so much life force because they are here for such big important things. And all the nurturing, all the listening, all the surrendering we're doing right now will be the earth from which these gifted children will one day flourish. Sending you love, at bedtime and all times.
Thank you for just sharing similarity… because most of those around me are horrified when I say how long it takes sometimes for her to fall asleep and each time I question if I need to get someone else’s opinion… but hearing your experience makes me feel less alone… I just find it hard sometimes to surrender at the end of a long day when all I want is to just have a little time to myself before the night time dance begins!!!!! They sure are spirited! Xx
This is beautiful… everything here is exactly why I write and share. There is another way, a way that goes back to the way our ancestors slept. Polyphasic sleep… honoring the seasons. We don’t stop napping with our babies just because they aren’t newborns. We follow the seasons, we follow the sun, we rearrange our lives so we are no longer trying to bind our babies to the linear clock on the wall.
Asia, all your heart strings and thoughts always find me at the right time with great resonance. Thank you so much for your words, always.
My daughter turns a year old next week, and sleep has been rocky since she turned about four months old. It's hard to find the helpers in this area of life, because like you, I've had these same thoughts about how we've evolved and how we're designed to actually live, and how that is so far from our current culture and reality.
We also said good-bye to a sleep schedule, because it didn't work for us. It was too draining on us as a family. In fact, I was so grateful when you wrote about the Spirited Child awhile ago, because I looked into it, and as soon as I saw "alert, intense, and struggles to sleep," I chuckled to myself. This is my daughter.
I found Greer Kirschenbaum, a neuroscientist who wrote a book called The Nurture Revolution, and she is a sweet, kind, calming balm in a world of baby advice that is too rigid for my daughter.
Some nights are truly rough for us. Hourly wake ups. A baby that will not fall asleep no matter what seemed to work before. And I can get so frustrated and disheartened when it feels like we've spent our entire night trying to get our daughter to sleep. But there are nights when it is easy. And there are nights when she only wakes up twice to nurse. And those glimpses fill my heart with hope that someday this will pass. That the ease will begin to outweigh the mental cobwebs of sleep deprivation.
Thank you for sharing this lovely book and resource, I will definitely look into her! I am sending you so much love, from the rough chops of these waters, over the waves, to yours. We will get through this.
We will!
Grateful to you for creating this supportive space for us mamas. I look forward to receiving these lifelines in my inbox. xoxo
I wanted to comment sooner to thank you for your raw honesty in sharing how hard sleep was for you and your daughter. I’m only 13 weeks into my journey and while I feel blessed that my son doesn’t have colic, he fights sleep constantly. He is sensitive, energetic, smart, and such a bright light of a soul. And he has very specific sleep needs. I’ve had countless moments where I feel like an utter failure and moments where friends and colleagues just don’t get it and pass judgment on me.
I was planning to return to work after three months, I should have returned last week, but I had to tell my managers that I couldn’t do it. My baby needed me and I only get to do this once.
The expectations of the internet, families who didn’t breastfeed, women from older generations who were denied support and information about biological sleep weigh on me, especially as an empath.
Thank you for your honesty it helps correct the false image of infant sleep we measure ourselves against.
I am so glad you are here Elizabeth, and honoring you deeply for being able to follow your own inner knowing in claiming more time with your son. That ability to trust the inner impulse is so huge for us empaths!!! Just by choosing to trust, you are giving your son such a huge, incredible gift. Sending great love your way. You are navigating these waters with brilliance.
So much beauty and wisdom within this Asia, thank you. My daughter sounds exactly like yours, as a small baby she was extremely wakeful, often distressed and never slept without contact and/or movement (cue a lot of walks in the sling!). It was exhausting but also all I knew. I remember friends saying ‘surely you need a break’ and I just thought that I would rather be with her and get a longer sleep than spending forever trying to ‘put her down’ and her waking up 5 minutes later. I have realised that neither of my children are ‘bad sleepers’ exactly, they just need a lot of reassurance and don’t like to be alone, they sleep fine with me…!In terms of late bedtimes, I believe the early night is a relatively recent, western construct and not the case in many cultures. Thankfully mine do tend to go to bed early ish these days but they also wake very early…! I have always felt that ‘doing what works’ and trusting in it as what our children need is the only way, things inevitably shift just like the seasons xx
It feels so heart-holding to know I'm not alone in raising spirited children like this, Lyndsay. Thank you and bless you for sharing. Also, I loved this idea of early bedtimes being a western construct. This really struck a cord with me. I know there are plenty of cultures in the world where people are regularly up to midnight...babies and all! I hear of these places and I think: there must be as many diverse ways of raising babies are there are diverse ways of being human in this world...and absolutely all of it is right.
Absolutely. What is culturally acceptable in our society is usually what is convenient but often not what is biologically normal. But babies are not here to be convenient! Usually the opposite in my experience. Here with you, thank you for writing your truth xx
My heart says trust but my head wants to control! Lol. Nothing like dealing with your child’s sleep to trigger every bone in your body. This too shall pass!
Oof, I feel this so deeply Kim. This. Too. Shall. Pass.
As mothers we are given such strange and unrealistic expectations around sleep. I too have heard frequently how babies and toddlers "should" sleep through the night (and that this is in large part due to having a successful schedule). As an infant my daughter slept for very long stretches (something many assumed I enjoyed but my worries about her weight prevented that), but as she grew older she's had a series of regressions that involved either split nights, frequent wakings, or, even now, still waking early in the morning before going back to sleep. No amount of schedule, baths, other routines has changed this. It always seemed to improve on its own, with us changing nothing.
I think of most development works like a machine starting up -- it reminds me of turning on our extra long garden hose. The water fills in the kinks in stages, water spurts out unevenly and stops and starts as things get settled. Then eventually the hose is full of water and it's behaving in a predictable way. As children grow and gain new skills it's like their bodies are those empty hoses -- the kinks work themselves out, things behave a bit unpredictably, like any machine starting up for the first time. And because everyone is different (like a differently shaped hose, I suppose, to continue the analogy) that is not going to be the same for one child to the next. My hunch is that most don't reach that water-flowing-out-of-the-hose phase with sleep until they're closer to 3.
That's the advice I give myself when it is difficult, as it really can be, sometimes.
Such a good point Jessica-- that so much of our sleep expectations come from our expectations around what a "successful schedule" looks like (aka. work schedule, school schedule etc.) And I loved this metaphor of the long garden hose. The sputtering leads to the flow. I feel that deeply.
Stunning. Thank you so much 🩷
Reading this at 3am as I’m up breastfeeding my newborn and it is everything I needed to hear tonight. Trusting our little ones to know what they need when there is so much noise and rigidity out there to sift through, feels almost counter culture. Which is wild. So thank you for this reminder that it’s actually okay to do just that. It’s always such a balm for me to think about the ancestral element too. Sometimes I think my ancestors must be watching me track wake windows and chuckling to themselves.
Oh Kelsey I feel you so much. I tracked wake windows obsessively for the first couple months of my daughters life (a byproduct of having an "hard" sleeper, no doubt) Even though I was never really sure it was actually helping, it still gave me a sense of control that I was so desperately lacking. So even when my partner looked at me side-eyed as grabbed my phone to track her sleep time again, I knew I'd simply do it for as long as *I* needed. And I did.
I'm thinking of you out in the deep blue night. Wishing I could bring you a cup of water during your next 3 am wake up or just sit beside you for a while. You are doing so much, and all of it is so so important.
I don’t have kids and I don’t plan on having any, but this is one of my favorite newsletters. You explain your experience, both the joys and hardships with utter depth and beauty. The way you weave seeking help from experts, pressure of what society dictates is right through questioning it all and finally trusting your inner rhythms, in motherhood no less, is ugh, the only word that comes to mind is beautiful. It’s poetic and human, I feel so inspired each time I read your newsletters in approaching aspects of my life with the same openness and curiosity. Thank you for sharing your experience through your writing.
Thank you so much marietha. This means so much. To be seen as both poetic and human... there is no greater gift. Bless you. And thank you for being here.
Exquisite read, thank you 🥰
I'm sure a lot of moms can relate to your experience, Asia. My son still doesn't sleep through the night at almost 3 years old (even though I know he can, because he does when he is with his grandmother) He was always a bad sleeper - a very alert child. I gave up on trying to control his sleep patterns long ago, purely because he is a very determined little boy and it is never worth it getting into a sleep battle with him😁 Funnily enough, after having my daughter I released that it was just his settings. She is a calm little girl, and wakes up less during the night than my son, even though he is almost 2 years older than her.
I came across an article about orchid children and dandelion children, and it explained a lot. Your daughter might just be a very sensitive soul, just like you.
I am wishing you lots of space to rest and recover. Please trust that it will get better 🧡🧡🧡
I've heard this same sentiment from so many other mamas Polina! They have another child and just realize that their child is who are they, there is nothing to fix, just more to understand and hold compassion for (especially within ourselves). It always soothes me when I hear this from seasoned mothers. What if I'm not actually doing anything wrong?? I'm absolutely going to check out the orchid vs dandelion children article!! I have a feeling we have more than one orchid in this house... *glances over at sad, non-thriving orchids on the kitchen windowsill*
Sending my love to you and your daughter. I highly recommend the Raised Good blog (or their instagram) by Tracy Gillett. It is a sacred resource for conscious parents. It is an intention step away from sleep training with an understanding that parenting doesn't stop at night.
Wise words 🌞
You write so beautifully. I feel every word, even the ones that I haven’t experienced. Though, I did experience most of this.
I’m always happy to receive your writings and slow down to read them, and truly see them. Thank you 🙏🏻✨
wow this speaks so perfectly to our current new wave of sleep and nonsleeping. thank you for this! 💚