Why mother’s send you pictures of their babies

What I can't say

I never used to know how to respond when a friend sent me a picture of their baby. I knew to authentically congratulate them, of course, and to exclaim over the baby’s obvious cuteness…but I always felt like there was something I was missing.

Sometimes I’d reach out to see how they were doing and all I got back was the photo. Was it some kind of code? Were they hoping I’d say something in particular? I wanted to respond in a way that validated them, affirmed them. I knew that what they were sharing was important—but I didn’t fully understand what that picture meant.

I never used to understand the fullness of why my friends sent me pictures of their babies.

Now I do.

For the first year of being post-partum my entire life-force was devoted to keeping my daughter alive. This is not hyperbole. Everything I had went into keeping my baby fed, held, whole, and growing in this world.

In a time when my brain often didn’t connect loops together, words skittering off into the corners somewhere, I sent photos to express the totality of my experience, the words I’d yet to conceptualize.

At a few days old I sent people photos to say—this is why I lived in chronic pain for the last ten months. This is why I learned what it would mean to die from exhaustion during my labor. This is why I let my whole identity melt like ice chips in the mess of bringing a child into this world.

At a few months old I sent photos to say—this is what I’m doing with every ounce of my energy. This is why I need to eat five meals a day. This is why I break down crying at 2 am. This is why I didn’t return your phone call.

At six months old, before my daughter starting eating food, I sent photos to say— this is what I’ve used my body to build, this is what I gave the bulk of my minerals and vitamins to create. This is what I did in this lifetime, if nothing else, I did this.

At a year old, I sent people photos to say—this is why I gave up the entire contours of the life I once knew, this is why I’ve touched the absolute edges of my psyche, why I’m not the person I once was. This is what I do with my days, all of my days, every day. This.

There are a million reasons why mothers send you photos of their children, just like there are a million things that we need to tell you, want to tell you, don’t know how to tell you, about how we’ve changed, how life is for us now, what we yearn for, what we miss, what we’ve realized, the entire world we’re experiencing.

There are a million reasons why mothers send you photos of their children.

But mostly it comes down to the one thing we need everyone in our lives to understand.

This. This is what I’m doing with my life.

This. This is what is so important I’ve given up so much else.

This.

Without knowing this, you cannot know me anymore.

So, this.

I want you to see this.

Because just by you seeing it, I feel seen.